THE BINGING MUST STOP

Ever since I've gotten back from my little trip, I've been binging every night after I come home from work. Yesterday I ate brownies, ice cream, more ice cream, cheetos, potato chips, EVEN MORE ICE CREAM. I seem to be justifying the ice cream by thinking things such as "If I don't eat the whole mini ice cream bar, I won't consume all 90 calories of it." Yeah, that'd be true if I didn't nibble off of FOUR separate bars. Apparently, my mind is believing that just because I eat half (or more than half) of each bar and never finish any of them, I wouldn't be absorbing 200+ calories into my system.

I was in the 141s this morning! 141! I don't think I've seen that number since I was in high school. And now I've ruined it! Who knows when the next time I'll see 141! I was SO close to FINALLY breaking into the 130s!

I'm throwing away the ice cream tomorrow. My brother leaves tomorrow as well. I love him but his presence and the presence of the food that he brings into this house is ruining me. I have no self control. All the ice cream is going in the dumpster as soon as I get back from work (iabsolutelyrefusetoeatitiwillnoteatit!).

So that's that.

A good friend of mine called me randomly today and asked if we could meet for lunch. She lives two hours away from me. I haven't seen her in a good bit. She wants to eat lunch today. Fattening lunch together.

I said yes.

I think I did relatively well. That baked potato may not have been the best choice but only eating half of the grilled fish (the least caloric main course on the menu) was decent.

This doesn't erase the fact that I have to leave town on Friday to eat at the most fattening burger place my friend could choose for her birthday dinner. The only good thing about this is that this place (Red Robin) has a pretty extensive meal calculator. I, of course, don't trust it so I'm going to overestimate by 100 calories. It's going to be a bad week. It's already been a bad week. Next week will be even worse (I told a coworker I'd eat lunch with her. I've been avoiding her and her gluttouness ways for the past three weeks.). I just want to make it into the 130s (for now). Is that too much to ask????

So the plan for tomorrow (in preparation for friday): Breakfast - 100 calories cereal + skim milk; Lunch - 140 calories greek yogurt (good for protein); Dinner - 160 calories turkey smokies + 50 calorie bread + 30 calories 1 cup frozen broccoli. All together that's 480 calories + 50 calories of just in case. 530 calories. Not too bad at all. I'll be working out my arms and abs tomorrow at the gym, and I'll work out 30 minutes on the elliptical afterwards. Oh and P90x yoga too.

I don't think that I've really described my exercise regiment at great length (I'll have to fix that...). I'm wondering if it's excessive?

must stop the incoming boredom

Since I've finished with all of my grad schools apps, financial aid information, and traffic lawyer stuff (I forgot to mention that I recently got a speeding ticket for doing 85 on a 70. Not a good day.), I have a lot of time on my hands. You'd think that I'd use this time wisely (aka work out) but working out only takes up part of my time. Eating takes up the rest of the part. So I think I'll take some effort and try to get to know some of the girls in this community to keep myself busy while I try to find other things to do. I haven't really done my part to say hello and I regret that. So here's to me stepping up.

My insulin pump comes in the mail tomorrow. I'm a little excited about using it although not excited about having something hooked up to me at all times. I've even figured out a way to get away with not eating much and still having everything be ok with my doctors. The plan is to eat the same number of carbs that I have been (averaging 60-100 per day) but bumping up the amount of protein in my diet on paper. That way my doctors' won't be able to say anything about the low number of calories because the amount of protein that I've written in the forms will make it look like I've eaten more than enough (huge omelets for breakfast, plain chicken for lunch... at least on paper).

It should work out. I hope it works out.

Oh and my brother made brownies today. Funny how him coming home for his Spring Break is causing me to splurge on sweets. He has a huge sweet tooth and is hording a massive amount of chocolates and sweet cereals in the house (we never have that stuff here when he's at school).

So I C&S a bunch of the brownies. My dad thinks that I ate over half the brownies that were left.

Awesome.

144?

I feel like it's some kind of mistake but rather than ask questions, I'll just accept it for now.

Time to go to work.

bad with the food, good with the other stuff

Thanks for your comments ladies! They've inspired me to do better because this week was H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E. It was like a week long feeding frenzy with S. I basically couldn't seem to control myself. I was well aware of the kinds of food I was eating (which helped my feedings from being even worse). I was aware but I still ate while absolutely hating myself for eating it while I was eating it. I did weigh myself once during a random trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and while it didn't look good, it wasn't as bad as I was expecting.

I'll do a real weigh-in in the morning and then plan some damage control. I've already prepared myself for two work outs tomorrow (jogging and P90x after work), and I've planned a >600 calorie day.

All in all though, I had fun. It really was a good week and I was able to talk with S about his lack of ambition. I basically told him that I couldn't continue dating him if he continued muddling through life the way he has been. It really seemed to spur him into action but we'll see how long this lasts. I don't want to nag at him, or put him down, but I don't want him to graduate and be stuck wondering about his next move in life with no plans. Especially in an economy like this. I want him to do well and I want us to be able to support each other. I don't want to have to worry about him all the time.

/rant.

But I think things will be ok.

Well, if I was in a plateau, I doubt I'm in one now. Maybe my metabolism sped up a little and I'll be able to lose weight faster. My friend is getting married in September. She's being annoyingly efficient with all the wedding planning. My problem is that she wants me to be a bridesmaid and she wants to order dresses pronto. This leaves me with the worry that my dress will be too big for me by the time the wedding day arrives. I do plan on continuing to lose weight (something that I neglected and will continue to neglect telling her.).

Maybe I'll order a size smaller. My only problem there is the possibility that I won't shrink at all... but I'm choosing to remain positive :)

someone did this on purpose... i NEED water x.x

He's not coming today.

I barely at anything today to prepare for the possibility of us eating out. Awesome stuff.

So I'm sitting here at work, putting books into the system, when one of my coworkers come in telling us that every bathroom on campus is out of order because we have a water outage. I'm really regretting drinking all of that water this morning and for lunch.

But I think I can last a few more hours until I can leave. I hope.

My calorie intake yesterday was close the 1000. Chick fil a. I thought that I'd be able to stop myself from eating more than half the chicken sandwich and half the fries but before I knew it, they were both gone. I panicked and raced to the gym when I had the chance and burned 500 calories on the elliptical.

I don't know if it helped.

I can't seem to get past 143. And since I round up, I always see it as 145. I round up on food calories and round down on calories burned. I should be losing more weight. It is possible that I've plateaued already??

I've got to fix this.

hell yeah?

I was really worried about the kinds of food that I was going to eat starting Friday until next weekend. S is coming over and that usually means that we eat out or cook really savory things if we eat in. So yeah, I was worried. But... S told me that he's been researching about me and that he admires how tough I am because he could never do what I do. I then mentioned, without thinking, that it's hard when he tells me that I don't eat enough, which makes me eat more, which then makes me feel like I ate too much.

S said that he was sorry and that he's going to stop.

Doesn't he know that he's enabling me?

No matter. I take it as a godsend that he isn't going to badger me anymore about how little I eat. I'll continue on with eating my 100 cals of cereal in the morning, with an almost nonexistent lunch, and a light dinner. While he's here, I'll only eat half my meal when we go out and give the other half to him. He's already planning on cooking me low calorie things while he's here.

I really do love S but he's too easy to fool sometimes.

finally an introduction?

I realize I've been writing all this time without a stable footing. An anchor. An introduction. A place where people from now can put me and where I, later, can understand myself better. My name is Moira Lynn and I'm 22 years old. My friends think my mom was being hip and original but a quick google search will show a surprisingly number of people with that name.

But I digress...

I work as a librarian assistant at the moment, with hopes of getting into grad school for it. I say hopes because I have little hope of actually getting in. Maybe I'm self conscious, maybe not. I'll just keep my fingers crossed. Hopefully next month will be a good month. I have a boyfriend who (pretty much) supports me in my weight loss goals (although I know he wouldn't if he knew the extent of my goals or steps to get there.). But I think he's only ok with it because he doesn't understand me or my circumstances as well as he thinks.

I think I wrote in my first post that I've always had issues with food. It was never because I was obsessed with the way I look (although that's becoming the case now) or because I really felt that I wanted to see bones everywhere (I seem to be edging up to that). I'm a diabetic and it forces you to have issues with food. Carb counting and calorie counting has been my life for over a decade but I have never been really thin. In high school I was heavy but I didn't try to lose weight. In college it changed a little. However, I really can't say why. I feel like I lived in a fog for most of my existence. Maybe it was because people made comments about how I look like I lost weight or the over sized state of my clothes. Maybe it was because the on campus food was disgusting or because I saw friends gain 15-20 lbs from eating out all the time.

Whatever it was, this is me now. I know it could be so much easier for me. Diabetics can manipulate the amount of insulin they take so that their blood sugar remains high. When that happens, they can lose a TON of weight. But it comes at a cost. Blindness, organ failures, and such. I didn't want to risk that. So this is what I do.

So it's a little complicated but I think things are about the same for me as the rest of you guys. Maybe.

Perhaps I'm a little delusional.