143

Somehow I made it to 143 this morning. I woke up early because nature called and later when I stepped on the scale, there came the glorious number.

I can't wait until I break into the 130s. It seems very possible now.

Also, I'll be visiting friends this weekend but this new weight on the scale has inspired me to eat as little as possible.

Sorry for the short post. I'm going back to bed.

i'm working hard to be perky

The liquid diet... it totally didn't last. I really didn't think it would since this was a horrible week to start but I tried to try anyway. However, I'm happy to say that I've been eating pretty well despite breaking my fast on the first day. The way I see it, March 1st is the better start to start. New month, nothing to do~ I think it'll work out a lot better. I didn't make any promises and plans with my friends or coworkers for next week either. Good deal.

This weekend, I'm supposed to be visiting a friend of mine at the beach. The weather's pretty bad right now for the beach but we're celebrating her recent engagement. I don't know how I feel about it. I have the strangest feeling that her boyfriend asked her so suddenly because his worker's visa is going to expire. I'd tell her but she already knows. It doesn't matter. All I have to worry about is the amount of food that they're going to want to eat. From what I understand, they picked a Vietnamese place for Saturday, and something random for lunch on Sunday. I know that Ice cream and movies will be involved, as well as alcohol if she decides she's in the mood for the bar.

Which she might be. She's a wine type of person so maybe not. If I'm lucky. I think I can get out of the popcorn and maybe the ice cream. I'll just have to order something that doesn't involved hundreds of carbs for my meals.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I tried out P90X. It really was a good workout. I don't really do a lot of strength exercises so I think this will be good for toning. I burned 400+ calories on the elliptical and with the 1.2 hours of P90X, I think yesterday was a good day.

Let's hope today is the same.

i'm so sleepy right now

I had to put my life on hold this weekend for S. His uncle died and he was pretty broken up about it. I've never heard him cry so hard before so I made the decision to drop the plans that I had with friends for the weekend to be there for him. It was a fun weekend. I made sure to plan things that would keep his mind off of his loss. S told me that he was happy I came. I think that makes this weekend a success.

Food-wise, I could have done worse. We had Japanese on Saturday (Rice, grilled chicken, and mixed veggies) and shared a small bag of popcorn while we watched a movie. It wasn't bad at all. Especially seeing as I only had 100 calories worth of milk and cereal before I came over. Today I told S that I was going to get breakfast on the way back home but I didn't end up doing that since it felt like a hassle. So I ate more cereal when I got back home since I didn't feel like cooking anything.

Apparently, cereal is my life. Full of vitamins and and so easy to prepare.

Also, I cut my hair. It's kind of a long bob with a bit of layering going on here and there. According to my hairdresser, the state of my hair was horrendous and I needed to do some major pruning in order to get it back into shape. I really don't mind it. I was actually planning on getting it cut shorter anyway. This just motivates me to be consistent with my vitamin regiment so that my hair can grow stronger. I've gotten comments on how it matches my new "skinny look". I'm 146 pounds now. I wouldn't say that I've achieved a skinny look.

I wanted to start the liquid fast tomorrow but then I remembered that I promised one of my coworkers that I'd eat lunch with her on Tueday. I have to at least eat something small. The place that she picked definitely will not have a healthy soup. So the plan is to do a liquid fasting tomorrow, only eat lunch on Tuesday, and then continue on with the liquid fast on Wednesday. I think that will work.

i have no excuses

My days have been fairly normal. I believe that it's the main reason that my posting has slowed down a bit. One good thing that comes out of this fairly normal existence is that I've been working out regularly. I think it's going to end up being a regular thing 3-4 times a week. Eating wise, I've been inconsistent. Some days are great while others are catastrophes. Who knows. It might be a good thing in that it might confuse my metabolism a bit when I eat barely anything one day and then eat like a wild boar the next. In my mind, I want to keep things low but I can't seem to keep things that way in reality. For example, today was going well until I found my mom's stash of ice cream.

I can't even blame this solely on my family. I know that I'd find some way to gorge on food even if I lived alone. We don't eat together so there's usually a shortage of food in my house (which causes them to eat out fairly often). I have no excuses.

However, religious people seem to have plenty of excuses not to eat. Lent began yesterday (I gave up candy. Fairly simple. It'll keep me from eating candy at least. I'd fail if I had done something vague like "food"). Today I was talking to a coworker of mine about it and she claimed that she refused to celebrate Lent because she didn't practice "religious ceremonies" or rituals. Or something. I can't say that I understood everything that she was going on about. But the gist of this is that she fasts. Religious fasts. She claimed to have done a liquid fast for 40 days (in the name of the Lord, apparently) and she said that it made her a more disciplined person. In her own words, "I can tell when an individual is fasting at my church. You can tell that they're disciplined. I know a man that fasted for a year. He's really thin. It's as if his body transformed and doesn't need as much as most of us. My pastor's wife is thin and willowy so I can tell that she fasts all the time. She's very disciplined."

So if I claimed that I was fasting for religious purposes, people won't wonder about my weight loss or my lack of food consumption? I guess they're exempt or something.

The 40 day liquid fast does sound interesting though.

V-day was great

Is it strange that I went to see my doctor today and came out feeling neglected? I went into the clinic with a nervousness that I couldn't explain, or could if I wanted to, but I came out feeling like I've been clusterfucked. I lost weight and she didn't make any comments about it (I actually lost more than I thought!). My blood pressure was much lower than my last visit and she said nothing. Even my blood sugar was high (something that I was really depressed about) and all she did was scold me for a microsecond and then proceeded to tell me that she wanted to put me on a new regiment. Essentially giving me more control than I needed.

I don't know. I kind of expected her to ask me questions. Wonder about me. Worry about me. Is that too much to ask?

It doesn't matter.

V-day was great. I spent most of the weekend sick but it snowed, I ate great food, I got to see S~ I ate less than I planned. I spent most of the weekend laying down and sleeping but I ate less than I planned. It was great.

But seriously, why didn't she care more? Maybe I'll change doctors. This is bothering me. More than I thought it would.

I ended up calling in sick from work because I felt god awful this morning. It was mostly a sore throat but I felt ill. That's a problem because I tend to eat uncontrollably when I'm sick. This morning I had half a egg and cheese biscuit with a few hash browns. I couldn't tell you how many cups of juice I drank today, although it was v8 splash light. It's pretty low in calories for juice. My father also had the nerve to order Papa John's pizza. So my total is no where near 700 today. I'm thinking that it's closer to 1200.

At least I don't feel sick right now? All of the vitamin C must have actually worked. I'm glad to say that it looks as though I'll be able to make it for a weekend with S. It's been about a month since we've seen each other. I'm a horrible girlfriend. I'll admit that I didn't work hard to visit him, which I should have since his car has been out of commission for the past month (hence him not visiting me).

Although, it's supposed to snow all this weekend. I might get stuck at his place but I can't care right now. After all, if it's not one thing, it's another. I think this over when I'm 100% better.

i hate my coworkers

Every inch of my body aches right now but I take it as a good sign of a good week (so far) of working out. The elliptical is magical. I encourage anyone who hasn't tried it to give it a go. Spin classes are pretty useful as well. It doesn't seem like a worthwhile work out at all at first but you feel it in the morning. I don't know how long I can keep this up but I hope I can do it indefinitely.

The only problem with all this is that my throat fucking hurts. It's a pain to work out with your throat burning and you practically gasping for water because of the burning. I worked through it. I don't know how wise that was since I'm really afraid that I'm getting sick. This weekend is Valentine's Day. What if I get sick? S will be disappointed. He's already told me that he's afraid that I'll be too sick to visit him. I know that I forgot to mention that we're in a long distance relationship. He goes to school about an hour and a half away from me but it's been difficult to find time to visit him because I've been so busy.

We communicate through the phone and workout together through Skype. Skype is a godsend.

And the reason that I could be sick is because of my idiot supervisor. She's sick. With whatever. All I know is that she comes into the room hacking away and blowing her nose without consideration for anyone else in the room. The rest of us have asked her if she's gone to the doctor's office but she claims that she just has a cold and that it'll end in two weeks so there's no need to go see a doctor? Part of me wishes she has some life threatening illness but then the other rational part of me knows that if she has something god awful, I'll most likely get it too. Inconsiderate bitch.

At any rate...

I'm taking vitamins and drinking water. I plan on sleep pretty early tonight so hopefully I'll be alright. Please let me be alright...

Tomorrow's calorie count will be below 700. I've planned at 620 so far. It's amazing how far you can stretch there. Egg beaters is the way to go.

unproductive day

I made it in the 40's today! But who knows how long it'll last since I had ice cream today. And chocolate cake batter. I was making cupcakes for my job since it's my turn to donate a sweet for the week (they claim it's too calm the staff and make them happy~). I resisted for a while and then went for the kill. I felt a little sick afterward, but since I ate so little all day, I tried not to feel bad.

My dad told me that I looked like I was losing a lot of weight. It made me nervous. My boyfriend told me that I need to eat more. I shrugged it off. My coworker was talking about her weight today and then laughed saying that if other people would hear us, they'd tell us to shut up since we're so skinny. I couldn't do anything but stare at her before smiling to have her stop looking at me.

I don't want to be compared to her. I don't want hips like hers.

I'm losing weight but I don't see the difference. I've lost at least 25 pounds in the last six months and I can't see the difference. Maybe a little more will make it show?

i think i'm on a roll

Surprisingly enough, I've accomplished everything I needed to this weekend. I went shopping yesterday and through the massive amounts of people squeezing into every shop, I found a lot of real life thinspo. It inspired me to do better when I went home. This meant putting in an hour of Tae bo, mostly because S (the boyfriend) wanted to. Between him and the people I'll be joining at the gym, I think I should be able to get a fair amount of working out done this week.

Valentine's day is this weekend. For whatever reason, this year I want to look good. Not for him, but for me. I want to be able to walk around downtown carrying with me bit more confidence than usual. I bought the new scale today (finally) and I'm sorry to say that I haven't broken into the 140's. I'm .8 pounds away. Determined isn't enough to describe how I'm feeling right now. I want to say that I want to lose 5 pounds but I'll be a bit vague and say that I want to be in the 140's by the end of the week.

I recently found this site and I think I might try some of their ideas. I'm too late to join their classes but really, I don't want to. I'd be expelled for not participating with the other girls on the message board. There's something about the thought of having to do something instead of just wanting to. Instead of causing drama because of my rebellious streak, I think I'll just do it on my own. Everyone on here is more than enough motivation for me.

weekend without makeup

Thanks for your encouragement, girls. I did feel bad about my binge and I do take it to heart whenever it happens but I don't allow myself to feel that way for long. It's counterproductive and I wouldn't be able to make up for my mistake if I kept at it. Today I feel much better. Yesterday was spent with me eating a little more than I wanted to but I worked it off with a jog and more workout tapes. My boyfriend and I have just spent our first dating anniversary together and for whatever reason, he's suddenly been wanting to workout with me. So after thinking about what kind of thing he'd be into, I chose Tae bo. Good workout. I plan to do it again.

My goals for this weekend are to buy a scale, find a v-day gift for the boy, and find time to workout today or tomorrow. My mother wants me to go eat with her today and I obliged and said I would. I don't think it'll be that hard not to splurge with food. I rarely eat meat anymore and my family knows this so they don't expect me to eat it. They've also noticed that I've gone into a health-food phase (as they like to label it) and they're not surprised when I refuse to eat the grease that they like to call food.

Tomorrow is Super bowl Sunday. I'm working from 5-11p. This will get me out of temptation and away from Super bowl food. And I'll be able to watch the Super bowl from my computer. I'm very excited about that.

Weekend verdict: Not very exciting. I'll leave the excitement for next weekend.

setting myself up for failure

I completely did. Yesterdays comments about not having a binge in a while ruined me. I sit here with a full stomach, a bit nauseous from thinking about what I ate. I believe the meal included a heaping pile of mashed potatoes. I don't need to say anymore. It was horrible. I was horrible. Why did I eat it? As I was bracing myself for the first bite, I asked myself Am I really going to do this? To which I responded with Yes yes yes and ate. And ate. And ate. It was disgusting. It was ridiculous. Why do I do this to myself?

Purging did come to mind but I don't think I can put myself through that. Not right now. It was a massive amount of calories but I'm willing for it to stay in there. I feel really sick right now but I can't. I'll make it up. I have to. I will.

So here I sit. With over 1000 calories of rubbish sitting inside me. Slowly digesting.

I don't have anything else to say at the moment. I will tomorrow.

stop smothering me

I've neglected to mention this before but my scale is out of commission. I've been searching around for a new one but as with everything, I refuse to buy anything until I'm sure that it's the best possible. This always happens. My cellphone has been on its last leg for about two months but because new and better phones are always being released, I keep delaying my inevitable cellphone purchase. It's maddening. The cellphone can wait (surely) but I need a scale. Soon. Now.

The point of this is that I know that I've at least lost a little weight. I measured myself today and I've lost two inches. The downside is that I have no idea what I lost. My workouts at home have been stalled as well. My plan has always been to workout on the treadmill as soon as I get home from work but my dad is always around. He's been making little remarks about my work out and eating habits. He's actually been watching me in the mornings as I pack my merger meals for work. And he has the nerve to ask what is wrong with me when I refuse his company and vocally demand him away from me whenever he comes near me.

I have to stay away.

That's the conclusion that I've come up with. All my workouts will have to be done outside of my home or at least off the treadmill. It's a waste of a good treadmill. I've been using work out tapes in place of my loss. They're a godsend.

I just had a thought. I really miss pizza.

Random but true. I'll have to push something aside some time to add a few bites in some time soon. I haven't had a binge episode yet. It's making me worry. No need to encourage one though. Maybe I should stay away from pizza then.

I wish my mind would stay still.

grease & chocolate

I suppose it isn't a surprise to know that my coworker bailed on me. She very apologetically told me that it was her mother's birthday and that she had forgotten that she was supposed to meet her family for some Japanese cuisine. This is after she inhaled a rather sweet smelling grilled chicken sandwich. The grease that I saw dripping from it transformed it into something rather repulsive.

Happy birthday mom.

I am surrounded by people who like to eat not so delicate things. There is a bowl in the shape of a cat head that sits behind me in my office space. Day after day my rather thin supervisor fills it with chocolate covered caramels and chocolate with peanut butter stuffing. Day after day the rather large ladies at the library flock into the room and grab handfuls of the said chocolate. I like to think that my supervisor does this because she likes to listen to these ladies complain about their weight as she watches the steaks of chocolate smear their pudgy faces. I do.

Today was good. I ate minimally and felt rather good doing so. I worked out in my room as my family ate their grease filled burgers downstairs. I do have a bag of chocolate hidden in drawer beside me as I sit at my computer. I like to think about it when I have nothing to do. It makes me think about my obese, chocolate-loving coworkers. Suddenly, my desire for chocolate fades.

But I should get rid of it before it just as suddenly ruins me.

it's after midnight

There was a bit of wintry trouble for the past few days. This made it hard to work out because everything was closed. Including the gyms. Also, the roads and sidewalks were icy. I didn't want to risk my life trying to sprint out there with my winter coat and a pair of old, beat up sneakers. I do have a massive bruise on my arm from attempting be gentle while stepping down the front steps. I believe that thundering down those stairs would have given me better results.

My plans are to go to the gym for a while tomorrow after work with one of my coworkers. She's very gung ho about working out but we'll see how long she lasts. I was conversing with her and a few other of my coworkers in the staff lounge today, watching as they all chowed down on some pizza hut pizza. My apparent diet happy coworker ate about four slices plus buffalo wings. I wasn't disappointed. I really didn't expect anything else.

I've been attempting to eat five times a day to speed up my metabolism. Alas, I'm finding it hard to do that and stay within my calorie range (below 900). I guess I'll just have to take out my morning snack from my plans. I bid you adieu. I'll need my afternoon one for the gym. My blood sugar has been running insanely low while I work out. I really don't want to cause a commotion at the university rec center. Think of the amount of orange juice they'll try to feed me. No thanks.